Writers have to Write

I have read many books on writing with subjects varying from the basics of writing well to how to live a writer’s life. I gleaned at least a bit of knowledge from each one, some more than others. But the one piece of advice that everyone repeated was to write.

That’s right. You can’t become a published author if you don’t write. One would think that would be a given, but there are those out there who say, “I was born to be a writer,” who fail to follow through on their destiny. I am one of those people.

I don’t think I was born a procrastinator, but I became an expert. I knew from an early age that I would be a writer. Like countless others, my teachers singled out my essays in class as exemplary. My advisors insisted I take classes that would help me in my writing career. One guidance counselor used those words to tell me I had to take a typing class. I had never told him my ambitions and did not want to take typing. Back in those days, it was taught on manual typewriters. I used an electric typewriter in journalism class and at home, so manual typing was excruciating. But writers need to learn the proper keyboarding technique, so off I went. After high school, I tossed everything aside to follow an unpredictable life path.

Despite challenging times, I maintained that I would be a writer someday. Throughout the unstable circumstances, I kept a manila folder of my writings. By the time I made it into a calmer, more balanced part of life, the folder had looked like it had been through the storm with me. It had been thrown into the rain, causing it to mildew. The pages were blackened and stuck together. I went to work to set things right. First, I rewrote everything and also made a digital copy. Then I decided to fulfill my goal.

I began university when I was nearing the age of 40. My first class was English, and I had to write essays. The high I get from finishing an essay or other writing project is euphoric. I think I became addicted to learning. I spent the next 15 years taking college courses part-time. I earned a degree in General Studies with concentrations in Communication and American History. I also earned a Letter of Recognition in Art History. With my bachelor's degree in hand, I had to decide. Was I going to pursue a career in something “real” or finally become a published author? Published author won that battle, sort of.

I entered the English and Creative Writing master’s degree program. By the end of it, I would have to complete at least a third of a publishable writing project. I was tricking myself into thinking I was just taking more classes, not doing actual real-life writing. I did well in the program and finished with one-third of a contemporary romance and a completed outline of a memoir from my early life. I also realized that although I have always aspired to be a writer, I have a passion for editing. I had been editor of my high school newspaper and of my children’s homework assignments, but doing actual peer reviews brought new joy.

After completing my program, I built an author’s website instead of finishing my projects. Because “all the advice columns say” you should establish your website before trying to publish traditionally. I became obsessed with a new project, about musical baby names and set the romance and memoir aside. In the fall of 2020, I was hit with an all-consuming addiction. BTS. The happy hormones they began producing in my life were off the charts. I began to be involved in projects involving the fandom known as ARMY. I began beta reading and editing for fan fiction about BTS. While considered a questionable form of literature, it requires the same skill and thought process, and I loved it. I began another website where I reviewed BTS fanfiction. Finally, I started a new project that initially focused on the fandom’s love for BTS but has morphed into a work more about the fandom and my part in it. It will discuss issues, not the least of which is ageism.

If you have read this far in the post, you probably know I am good at procrastination. All the schooling and other activities I have completed to “help me be a writer” were simply veiled examples of me not doing what I wanted to do.

That doesn’t even make sense. I am avoiding what I want to do. Why?

Honestly, I thought it was because I lacked discipline. It’s hard to be a writer. Maybe I don’t have good enough time management skills. Today, I found an article discussing studies on procrastination that gave me an “aha” moment.

“This is why we say that procrastination is essentially irrational,” said Dr. Fuschia Sirois, professor of psychology at the University of Sheffield. “It doesn’t make sense to do something you know is going to have negative consequences.” She added: “People engage in this irrational cycle of chronic procrastination because of an inability to manage negative moods around a task.”

For me, it could be that I have negative feelings attached to writing. Even though I am happy when I complete a writing project, “deeper feelings related to the task, such as self-doubt, low self-esteem, anxiety or insecurity. Staring at a blank document, you might be thinking, I’m not smart enough to write this. Even if I am, what will people think of it? Writing is so hard. What if I do a bad job?”

This caused a zing of recognition in me.

The article continues with how to get to the root of procrastination and ways to manage it. There isn’t an easy fix, but knowing that it is based in emotion and not do-nothingness is a helpful start.

I have started clearing the path to productivity. I’ve eliminated my second website and resigned from a job that kept me traveling. I’m working from home now. I’m hoping that, eventually, my freelance editing projects will be my primary income for the time being. I have deadlines on my projects that I seem to be on track with. I am optimistic that I will be a published author.

Finally, I want to thank my husband, who loves and supports me even though I am still not a rich and famous author.